I feel like I’m finally on the right path. I’ve been feeling like I don’t know who I am lately. Like I don’t have an identity. Finally, I feel like I’m going the right direction in order to find myself.
I’ve always been identified by titles. President, Football Player, So and so’s boyfriend. It’s okay to let things help define you, but not to the point where that’s all you are. And that’s exactly what I did with these things. I let them consume my life, with near nothing in return. In relationships, I was always the one who gave the most and accepted the least. I was sucked dry, emotionally, mentally, maybe even financially, just so I could make someone happy. How come I was never treated that way? Well, maybe I took it too far and wasn’t supposed to be that intense. If that’s the case, okay my bad. If not, well then I’ve been royally fucked.
I dedicated all my time and effort to my school. And for what, a measly plaque? I expected too much from my student council as well. Deep down inside, I always hoped that I would walk in to that room and for the love of God, somebody would have given me a thank you. (I do thank Jon and Gil though, for putting me on their mountain :) ) Regardless, for the time and money I put into student council, I felt like I deserved more out of it. I learned valuable leadership skills, and I guess I’m learning how to give my all no matter what the reward. I’m not even looking for a reward honestly. I was looking for appreciation. I would walk into my meetings and see half my council bored as hell waiting for me to end the meeting early so they could do whatever it was they did. I wanted to see the same passion in their eyes that I felt in my heart. Again, maybe I put too much effort into this. Maybe not.
So who am I? I don’t know. I was suddenly stripped of my two titles at the same time, one more expected than the other. What do I do now? I have no idea. But I do know my path is cleared to find…the path. I have no obligations to anyone other than my family. I don’t have to spend time or money trying to convince someone else their life is okay while I’m slowly, quietly dying on the inside. I don’t have to drain my emotions or mental capacity over things that would usually be unimportant. I can do me. But, what is me?
Political Science major, political moderate, Episcopalian, avid sports fan, fun-loving, wise cracking. These are all things that describe me. It’s funny how some things can tell you what you are, while telling you little about who you are.
I’ve been thinking about you lately. Most of the memories I have of you are not good ones. When I was in grade school, you were the bully and you always picked on me. You made me want to cry at certain points. I have this memory of you making fun of me on the playground before school one day that I think of from time to time.
When we grew up, I didn’t ever really know what you thought of me. You were a cooler person, though. I remember the last time I saw you. I knew you didn’t think of me as that nerd from elementary school then. We had a short conversation. It was nice.
But the thing is, in the back of my mind, I never did forgive you for the pain you had caused me. You and others put a bit of a blemish on my elementary school years. You probably wouldn’t even think about it. I mean, why would you? It was so long ago, and seemingly stupid. So I don’t blame you for that. And I know what it’s like to be in your position now. I’m not saying it’s right, but I’ve done my share of bullying as well.
I just wanted to let you know, I do forgive you. And I do miss you. And if you were here I hope that you would have forgiven me as well for the times I was mean back to you.
When I heard the news about you, I cried more than I would like to broadcast on tumblr. But you were a major part of my childhood. You didn’t deserve what happened to you. I remember the last conversation we had, about a month before you passed. I was leaving a lame party you were at. You asked me why I was leaving so early, and I told you I would be back. Well, I lied. lol.
The night of your candlelight vigil, there was still some debris from the accident. There were scraps of metal and glass everywhere. I picked up a piece of the metal, and it has been in the cup holder of my car ever since. It reminds me of you. It reminds me of the joy you brought to so many people. It reminds me of football practice. It reminds me to drive safe and wear a seatbelt. It reminds me that life is precious, and we must cherish every moment. I know that you did.